It’s that magical, special time of year, Frocktalkers! Halloween is almost upon us. My email inbox is starting to fill up with requests and questions, so I thought I might just cut to the chase with a list of costumes for 2013 that are sure to be a hit at your workplace, party, or trick-or-treating adventure. In case this is not enough for you, you can see previous years’ lists HERE, HERE, HERE and HERE. Get your credit cards ready, because I have purchasing links and everything. And none of it has anything to do with looking like a slut-bag and sacrificing your dignity on some kind of man-made Whoreloween altar. Here we go:
Love him or hate him, he’s here to stay. But let’s put a nice little (semi-aquatic rodent) twist on it. Here’s how to do it: Beaver suit, Fake buck teeth, flat-brimmed baseball cap,RayBan aviator sunglasses, CZ stud earrings, “Bling” chainz. Roll up to the party in your chrome car, grabbing your crotch. Or better yet, have your bodyguards carry you in to the party on their shoulders. It will be a grand entrance, baby ooooh.
I can see your dirty pillows! And so can everyone else, little girl. Let’s bring everybody’s favorite prom queen back to life this Halloween. With the Chloe Grace Moretz version now out in theaters – it will never replace the exquisite and haunting Sissy Spacek original – it’s a costume that is sure to be recognized by generations of Halloween revelers this year. Here’s how to do it: Pink long prom dress, prom shoes, bouquet of roses, a pink corsage, and buckets of stage blood. If you have to travel in a car to your party, please put a towel down so you don’t soil the upholstery.
Simon Cowell with baby (with chest hair)
The world’s most honest contest-show judge is going to be a father. How’s about celebrating it early by dressing like the new dad for Halloween? You can give unvarnished critiques all night, and the hairy-chested baby will make you a chick magnet. Here’s how to do it: Embellished Jeans, tight V-neck t-shirt, chest hair wig, leather flip flops, wig, fake cigarettes, baby carrier, baby doll, baby chest hair wig. I didn’t even know that Staples sells dolls, so this was a really educational research project for me. You’re going to Hollywood!
Miley Cyrus, Robin Thicke and Zombie Hannah Montana
Fun for the whole family here! Mom, get your tongue ready – time to get busy with the foam finger! Dad, put your hands where we can see them. And since Miley recently admitted that she (and the whole twerkin’ teddy business) officially killed Hannah Montana, let’s exhume that little cutie and put her on the stroll! Here’s how to do it: Foam Finger, Twerkin’ Teddy costume, Beetlejuice – whoops I mean Robin Thicke – costume, Zombie Hannah Montana Costume, with Zombie makeup.
Along those lines, you might want to add Sinead O’Connor to that and make it a group costume. Sinead and Miley Cyrus (as you probably know) have been feuding, and she’s a really easy costume if you don’t mind the shorn look. Here’s how to do it: Shorn head/bald cap, tank top, Jesus tattoo on your chest, army jacket, the letters B and Q on your cheeks, combat boots. This costume gives you license to speak your mind ALL NIGHT.
The beauty of this costume is its simplicity. Instead of taxing your fragile facial muscles into the de rigeur pout all night, let the mask do the work for you. You can wear practically anything with the mask, but let’s be honest. We know you want to look like a duck-faced celebrity, so knock yourselfout.
Uncle Sam with an Alms Cup
The tragedy that has been unfolding in Washington is ridiculous. So why not have some fun with it, right? Here you can be a broke-ass, derelict, furloughed Uncle Sam looking to make some extra money so he won’t have to extend his debt ceiling. How to do it: Buy an Uncle Sam costume and spray/rip/age the heck out of it, making him look like a vagrant. Add an alms cup, painted with the slogan of your choice. I’d be curious to know how much you might collect, going out dressed like this. Please report back if you make over $50. This costume is the only one that might pay for itself!
Jessica Lange/American Horror Story/Sister Jude
Because you already know I love her. And because dressing as a nun for Halloween is awesome. Especially dressing as a nun who runs an asylum for Halloween is awesome. Here’s how you do it: Nun habit, rosary, shoes, and don’t forget the cane! Bonus – you get to sing if you want to.
For the uninitiated, Bob Ross is the guy from PBS with the big hair who taught people how to paint “happy little clouds”. He is amazing. Google him if you don’t know him, people. He is really, truly amazing. AND he makes for a very iconic costume. Here’s how to do it: Big ole wig, big ole beard, blue dress shirt, sans-a-belt pants, paintbrush and palette. I think this would be a big hit for the art crowd.
For all you Conjuring fans out there, here it is. Our favorite ghost-hunting clairvoyant has such a distinct sense of style. Here’s how to pay tribute to this lovely woman: Ruffled blouse, black vest, long plaid kilt, black sweater draped over shoulders, rosary beads wrapped around your hand, rings, rings, rings, shoes, earrings, purse. Sixth sense optional. Annabelle doll optional.
Pitcher Brian Wilson
Not the Beach Boy Brian Wilson, the MLB pitcher. This might be kind of a “smug Los Angeles” costume… because he used to play for our archrival, the San Francisco Giants. So really, you could go either way. Wilson in the SF jersey, or SmugLA Wilson as a Dodger. Your choice. Fear the beard! How to do it: First, you need a ginormous beard. Then, you need either a SF Giants uniform – and hey, surprise – they are on sale! Or you can go with this nice shirt that sports his catchphrase “GOT HEEM!” which we sure did, LA.
Kobe on Crutches
And another costume for you LA sports fans – our beloved Laker Kobe has been out with a torn Achilles tendon injury since April and the prediction was that he would be out for six to nine months. It’s a serious injury, but it’s also a great costume. Here’s how to do it: Jersey, leg brace, crutches. Done and done. Let’s hope he recovers fully and doesn’t re-injure this season! Hang in there, man!
50 Shades of Crochet
Here’s one that will showcase your sewing skills and creativity… and you can still look cute. You don’t even need bondage implements to make this happen. How to do it: buy a bunch of crocheted doilies. Get some black dye boiling on your stovetop. Dunk the doilies in for varying amounts of time. Dry them. Stitch them into a dress overlay (your choice of style), and suddenly… you’re the most popular girl at the party. The guy dressed as the BDSM Minotaur is going to love you.
HAPPY HALLOWEEN, EVERYONE! Have a great time and remember – don’t drink and drive.